


A "Cult" of Good Christian Children

by whatacatchphillip



Category: Bandom, Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, Paramore, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, Group chat, KIK, M/M, excessive use of 'trademark' symbol, january beach things, so much cursing good lord
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-08
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-25 10:38:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6191773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatacatchphillip/pseuds/whatacatchphillip
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was a relatively mundane Wednesday afternoon when Patrick Stump nearly caused the end of the world.</p><p>(Alternatively, the group chat fic you never knew you needed.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "You Piece-of-Shit Hypocrites!"

It was a relatively mundane Wednesday afternoon when Patrick Stump nearly caused the end of the world. He was sat it a stuffy, dim room in the middle of Smithfield High School, pretending to tap trigonometric functions into his calculator while his teacher marked at quizzes, leaving her class to do practice problems with only their wit to assist them... as well as a graphing calculator.

Patrick didn't think tangent and cosine would be any less confusing to him with or without a calculator.

To make matters worse, Patrick probably knew the scribbles on the inside of his desk better than he knew any of the kids in this class. As his weary brain reminded himself of this, he groaned and pushed his palms against his forehead, which drew a few looks. He couldn't bother to care, though. All he wanted to do was forget math ever existed. The people who had turned to gaze, concerned, at Patrick had looked away now, and he was left alone with the company of his head for another few painful minutes.

Suddenly, a brilliant idea struck his sleep-deprived brain. He pulled his phone out of the backpack next to his feet, and with quick fingers, tapped out his password. He pulled up his message app, and typed in a few names.

A few moments later, the end of the world began.

_fuckyouthatswhy_ added _meme-o-matic_ , _breadbreadbin_ , _dadlonlon_ , _spooky jim_ , _froham, coolerthanyou, haylayyy,_ and _baked beans_ to **Sin™**

_ breadbin is typing... _

_ fuckyouthatswhy is typing... _

breadbin: why the hell is your name so sinful patrick

fuckyouthatswhy: fuck you, that's why

_ meme-o-matic is typing... _

meme-o-matic: u cursed while asking him that u piece of shit hypocrite

fuckyouthatswhy: ayye that rhymes

meme-o-matic: it does! I didn't realize. new slogan- 'ur all piece of shit hypocrites'

_ dadlon is typing... _

_ fuckyouthatswhy is typing... _

breadbin: I hate you pete.

dadlon: ohhh there's a period on the end, this is getting serious  

meme-o-matic: u love me, breb

fuckyouthatswhy: where are you guys. I'm in the middle of the worst trig class ever

_ meme-o-matic is typing... _

_ breadbin is typing... _

meme-o-matic: history with dad. we're supposed to be researching some dude but u know how we are

breadbin: ceramics

dadlon: still don't know why you took that class

fuckyouthatswhy: yeah wtf man

breadbin: what else was I supposed to take? some kind of computer class?

_ dadlon is typing... _

_ fuckyouthatswhy is typing... _

dadlon: pHHFFF- you? in a computer class?

breadbin: exactly.

fuckyouthatswhy: you guys are so boring where the hell is everyone else 

meme-o-matic: pat bb no I thought u loved me

_ fuckyouthatswhy is typing... _

fuckyouthatswhy: don't call me pat and I'll love you.

meme-o-matic: fine pattycakes ;)

fuckyouthatswhy: fuck off

_ breadbin is typing... _

_ meme-o-matic is typing... _

breadbin: lanGUAGE, PATRICK VAUGHN STUMP, WE ARE ALL GOOD CHRISTIAN CHILDREN HERE

_ dadlon is typing… _

meme-o-matic: YES PRAY THE GAY AWAY

_ fuckyouthatswhy changed the group name to  _ **_cult of good christian children™_ **

dadlon: brendon, honey, you're probably the person who closest to, like, actual satan in our friend group.

_ fuckyouthatswhy is typing… _

_ breadbin is typing... _

fuckyouthatswhy: dad is getting S A V A G E

_ dadlon is typing... _

breadbin: yes okay it's true I'm stan

breadbin: *satan

breadbin: I'm stan too tho

_ dadlon is typing... _

breadbin: obvs

meme-o-matic: ofc

fuckyouthatswhy: oh hi there stan pleased to make your acquaintance

**_breadbin_ ** _ changed their name to  _ **_stan_ **

_ dadlon is typing... _

stan: yeah you too man

_ meme-o-matic is typing... _

meme-o-matic: anyone wondering why dad is taking so long to type?

dadlon: okaY actually though pete, there’s no way you could pray the gay away. You couldn’t even go a week without doing something sexual to our boy patty here.

_ fuckyouthatswhy is typing... _

_ stan is typing... _

_ meme-o-matic is typing... _

fuckyouthatswhy: WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP CALLING ME PATTY

fuckyouthatswhy: true though

stan: F U C K dad is on a roll today everybody watch out or else you’ll get reked

meme-o-matic: rude

meme-o-matic: I could to go a week

_ fuckyouthatswhy is typing... _

_ dadlon is typing... _

fuckyouthatswhy: I'd like to see you try

dadlon: what the fuck are you talking about peter you are literally the thirstiest bitch I know

dadlon: I mean other than breb over there

dadlon: homegirl is a #mess

stan: actually true I'm not even gonna fight that one

_ fuckyouthatswhy is typing... _

fuckyouthatswhy: are you going to legitimately try pete?

_ meme-o-matic is typing... _

meme-o-matic: hell no patty u know I can hardly go a day without your sweet ass ;)

_ dadlon is typing... _

dadlon: pete we didn't need that information

stan: E W pete why

meme-o-matic: breb, u talk about dall like this 24/7, wtf are u saying?

stan: ya true lol

_ dadlon is typing... _

_ fuckyouthatswhy is typing.. _

dadlon: you all are sinners

dadlon: I'm leaving, it's almost bell

stan: me too talk to you all soon

_ meme-o-matic is typing... _

fuckyouthatswhy: okay bye fuckers

meme-o-matic: see u soon patty

Patrick shoved his phone into his pocket and looked up just in time to see the clock tick over to 2:00. With absolutely no caution, he shoved his math sheet deep into his backpack, and rushed towards the door of the classroom along with the rest of his class. Finally, he could get out of this hell-hole and see his delinquent boyfriend and his friends.

~~~

Not a minute over 2:15, there was a noise on the deserted battlefield.

_ froham is typing... _

froham: I think we missed quite the party there

A second later-

_ stan is typing... _

_ coolerthanyou is typing... _

_ haylayyy is typing... _

stan: you sure as hell did

coolerthanyou: well shit

haylayyy: I'm not bothering to read that all

stan: rude

stan: why don't you want to hear gay rambling

haylayyy: my entire life is gay rambling, c'mon

_ froham is typing... _

_ coolerthanyou is typing... _

froham: same

coolerthanyou: There isn’t one person in our friend group who isn't queer

_ stan is typing... _

stan: I think you're right lol

_ haylayyy is typing... _

haylayyy: breb what the fuck is up with your name

_ stan is typing... _

stan: if you read the gay rambling, you'd know

haylayyy: alright then

haylayyy: still not reading it sorry brebnob

_ stan is typing... _

stan: no it's cool but mY NAME WILL BE FOREVER SHROUDED IN MYSTERY

stan: hey anyone see ty or jish today

froham: yeah, they're in andy and I's first block

_ coolerthanyou is typing... _

_ haylayyy is typing... _

froham: but I didn't see them after that

coolerthanyou: probably off doing the #succ™

haylayyy: true, knowing them

~~~

Tyler tossed his phone to the side, giggling. Josh pressed a kiss to the side of his head, and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend. They knew their friends were looking for them, but it was fun to be elusive. The two were currently sat in Tyler's basement, their school books spread around them in an obvious attempt at homework. This attempt, though it may have been obvious, was nowhere near successful. The two were completely enthralled with each other, and this meant any time they were around each other, nothing productive was done. Neither minded, though. 

Ever since they'd started dating, they were practically living with each other. They would hang out around Tyler's house, and Josh would sleep over often. Tyler wouldn't rather have it any other way. A second later, Josh's voice swiped his mind's feet out from under him, causing him to look up. 

"At least we're getting more than they are," he said.

"I mean, maybe not as much as Dad and Bren, but y'know," said Tyler, rolling his eyes.

"True." Josh, agreed, laughing a bit. "So, Tyjo, we've got some options here. We can either try this English homework or do 'the #succ™.' Which would you prefer?" Josh asked, trying to keep a straight face.

"If there's a sexier name for it, I'll go with the later," replied Tyler, tugging his boyfriend towards him.

~~~

_ froham is typing... _

froham: speaking of the #succ™, want to hang out for awhile, andy? ;)

coolerthanyou: sure babe, be right there ;)

_ stan is typing... _

_ haylayyy is typing... _

haylayyy: w  h  y.

haylayyy: THE EMOJIS WERE NOT NECESSARY.

stan: AHHH MY INNOCENT EYES

haylayyy: oh shut the fuck up stan, you're anything but innocent.


	2. "Good Morning, FuckFaces."

Joe woke up to a head on his chest and a heartbeat pulsing at his side that resonated through his entire body. His eyes drearily opened to heatless January sunlight seeping through the cracks in his window blinds. The beams seemed drawn to the body lying against Joe, as they glimmered across the sleeping man's bronze hair and skipped across his bicep to accent the first of many colorful tattoos he planned to get. Joe could feel his boyfriend stir his sleep, and flinch in a way that was almost kitten-like, his body reacting to the inevitable entrance of light. Unconsciously, the man snuggled further into Joe, a light smile gracing his lips.

Joe concluded the Andy Hurley had to be an angel.

Just as Joe was appreciating the wonder that was his beautiful boyfriend, Andy began to make little movements, which, Joe had come to learn signified the shorter man was waking up. Joe pulled Andy further into his side, pressing his nose into pleasant smelling hair.

"Babe?" asked Andy, sleep having wreaked havoc on his voice.

"Your hair smells nice," replied Joe, a bit muffled.

"I try," replied Andy, laughing slightly, before turning to wrap his arms more fully around Joe. The covers were halfway beneath the two men, and they shifted a bit when Andy moved his leg to throw his calf over Joe's.

The two lay there for another few minutes, their breaths beginning to sync, completely content to lie with each other and enjoy the glowing room. Joe couldn't help but glance at his surroundings in the morning light. Posters for many obscure indie bands he'd haphazardly thrown on his walls shimmered, though their glow wasn't comparable to that of Andy. The view of his few beloved guitars was obscured by the presence of sunbugs who had taken up their places in the air, and were gracefully dancing around the room. They seemed to concentrate around Andy's head, giving him a dusty halo.

This beautiful scene was wrecked a moment later by the shrill cry of a phone, shattering the sunbug's dance and seeming to send them scattering. Joe huffed and reached to his years-old bedside table, grappling around for his phone for a moment. He brought it just above his eyes a minute later, the artificial light causing him to squint. Through his scrunched eyelids, Joe could make out the distorted notification flashing across the front of his phone.

' **stan**

hello fuckfaces, rise and shine! 

_ 2 minutes ago' _

Joe turned his head back into Andy's hair and groaned. It was too early, especially on a Saturday, to deal with Brendon's bullshit. Andy lightly tugged the phone from Joe's hands, and when he saw what was on the screen, let out a groan of his own. Andy thrust the phone aside, onto the section of the bed where the two weren't tangled together.

"We're gonna ignore it," asserted Andy, his voice still scratchy. Trying to completely ignore the phone, he snuggled back into Joe's shoulder. Joe chuckled a bit at his boyfriend's bluntness, and tried to relax again. Another high-pitched 'ding' shook him out of whatever peace he was starting to obtain. Andy heard it too, and grabbed the phone from its place.

' **stan**

come on, it's a saturday, I want to do something                                                                               

_ 1 minute ago' _

"Fucking fine, I'll answer it," said Andy, swiping his finger across the screen to pull up the Messages app. Joe watched as his boyfriend typed out a response to Brendon's rude awakening.

~~~

_ froham is typing... _

froham: wtf bookshelf we were trying to sleep

stan: haha you fuckers are finally awake

froham: we would much rather not be

_ haylayyy is typing... _

haylayyy: yeah froman's right, I'd rather be asleep rn

stan: were you with lynn last night.

haylayyy: nO

stan: you were

_ meme-o-matic is typing... _

haylayyy: fuck you bren

meme-o-matic: ohhhh hayley and lynn sitting in a tree-

_ haylayyy is typing... _

_ stan is typing... _

haylayyy: no pls no I didn't sign up for this when I befriended you all

stan: hell yes you did

froham: ^^

meme-o-matic: sorry haybae, u signed the contract of friendship and now u have to deal with me

haylayyy: nooo please don't bring that nickname back this is bullying

_ meme-o-matic is typing... _

meme-o-matic: whyyy not haybae it's my favorite!1!

_ froham is typing... _

haylayyy: fuck you all, I'm leaving, see you next year.  

meme-o-matic: kk byyyeee bb see u later

froham: do you think she's really leaving

stan: hell no she loves us

meme-o-matic: I'm leaving too, patty woke up. see u whores later

stan: nO SLUT SHAMING PETER, good lord

_ spooky jim is typing... _

spooky jim: I have arRIVED

_ stan is typing... _

stan: took you long enough

froham: yeah loser where were you

spooky jim: getting some #beanbooty

froham: okay nvm I didn't need to know that

stan: I'm so glad you both finally came to your senses and started fucking

_ spooky jim is typing... _

spooky jim: dude we're not just eff-buddies like you and dall

_ stan is typing... _

froham: sick burns by the spaceboy™

spooky jim: you know it trohy

froham: actually this is andy

stan: I'll have you kNow, dad and I have been in a committed relationship for three years

stan: and see at least we're not as bad as trohman and hurley, they obviously saw a little action last night ;))))

spooky jim: nah I think that makes them better. sorry brebnob

_ froham is typing... _

froham: haha forehead

stan: screw you both

stan: okay I want to do something fun today, any ideas?

_ froham is typing... _

_ spooky jim is typing... _

froham: you're the one who woke us up, fucker.

spooky jim: we could go to the beach

_ stan is typing... _

stan: uhh spaceboy, it's january, what are we gonna do at a beach?

spooky jim: january beach things.

froham: jish has a point

_ stan is typing... _

stan: I have no idea what you guys are talking about

spooky jim: beach things

froham: yes beachy-est things

stan: fine, let's go to the beach, it's better than doing nothing

_ spooky jim is typing... _

_ froham is typing... _

spooky jim: okay cool cool I'll tell pete

froham: joe and I'll pick up hayley and lynn if they want to come

spooky jim: see you soon! for january beach thingS

~~~

"So we're going to the beach?" inquired Patrick, one eyebrow raised. Pete had just dropped a small bag by his feet, packed to the brim with towels and sunscreen. Pete nodded, a smile overtaking his face. He looked absolutely ecstatic. There was a bit of sunscreen on the tip of his nose, and Patrick had to wonder where he was able to find any in the middle of the winter.

Currently, it was eight in the morning, and Pete was standing in Patrick's door, apparently trying to drag him to the beach along with some of their friends. Pete was dressed in beach clothes plus a light windbreaker, and Patrick knew he would get cold eventually. He made himself a mental note to bring an extra jacket for his boyfriend, if Pete gave him any time to get ready.

"You do realize it's the middle of January, right? We won't need towels," Patrick, pointed out. The black haired man instantly realized this and snatched the bag back, giggling at his own mistake.

"Just in case, Patty," said Pete, still a bit jittery. Patrick could tell his boyfriend was very enthusiastic to visit the beach, despite it being January. He couldn't help but wonder if this was the beginning of a high point that would end with Pete crashing and burning. Patrick hoped with all his heart it wasn't. "When there's a rainstorm of paint you're going to wish we had these towels."

"If there's a rainstorm of paint, then sure," laughed Patrick. "Let me go get dressed. Come in if you like, it's freezing out there."

"Thanks, Pattycakes," said Pete, stepping inside. Mrs. Stump was reading at the dining table, and waved a Pete, who instantly waved back, beaming. Patrick pattered up the stairs, his socks tapping lightly against the carpet. 

A few minutes later, a jacket clad Patrick climbed into Pete's beat up car, throwing his little backpack into the backseat. It was absolutely frigid, the cold air biting at Patrick's bare hands. He couldn’t believe that Pete was insisting they go to the beach in this weather. 

"We have to pick up Dad and Breb 'cause they're losers," said Pete, smiling at his boyfriend, who grinned back slightly, looking a bit worried. Patrick’s expression was only met with a another smile from Pete.

"Don't worry, babe, we're going to have a great time."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be full of, as josh puts it, "january beach things!" Hope to see you then!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> I might add My Chemical Romance as minor characters at some point, but if I do, it'll probably only be Frank and Ray. Who knows? :)
> 
> Comments are appreciated!


End file.
